When You Find Yourself In A Season Of Loneliness: & SAHM’s (This Is For You Too!)

It’s HARD. I have 3 under 3 and live away from family with my husband, who gets deployed a lot! I’ve been without a car since we moved to a new town with no friends… well, I met someone, and they are cool, but mostly I’m by myself…  Don’t get me wrong, my husband has offered to move us back home closer to family, but honestly, I knew it was not time for us to return. Nor do I want to go back into the city. But can I tell you about my alone season?

I went THROUGH IT depression-wise with anxiety. I questioned life, etc. I kind of mentally was not healthy for a while, and I was questioning God and His timing with everything. Like, “God, why am I here in this town? You know I just gave birth and had to pack up my whole family alone to move to a town where, on the same day, our car broke? What does this possibly mean? I have been without a car for almost a year, and it’s embarrassing, Lord, to always use my husband’s co-worker’s car. Like, why did the mechanic scam us? Do they not know that we are on one income? Lord, if I could say something for justice, I would. God, why does my husband not care about what I am going through? Does he not understand how this change affected me? He selfishly moved me away from my community 2 months later after having a baby, and now I am literally STUCK here alone while he is always gone. God, I feel lonely, like I am all alone. Everyone I know has a job, and I have no one to talk to. I CAN’T go anywhere because I am told it’s a dangerous town and have already encountered a racist woman; then there are people on drugs walking the streets and trying to break into our cars, let alone creeps following me and harassing me; why am I here? I feel like I lost myself and freedom being trapped in a house, as if I am living in another shutdown pandemic. What was the point of this all? The landlord promised to put down grass, and all we have is dirt, so the kids can’t go outside to play because they hate it, burning their eyes, and the reaction the dirt does to their skin. The dogs are now forced to be outside dogs because it’s too much work to clean them every moment from the dirt, like there is no point in even washing them, though I need to because it’s just ALL dirt. I am so irritated with that alone. My kids are not adjusted and have developed attitudes, and I understand why; I mean, their lives have changed, too. God, I am just lonely and need you. I am lonely. I feel so alone that I really cannot see your plans for me here.”

 Yes, those were my thoughts for almost a whole year. I told you I went through it! Perhaps it was the postpartum period, or maybe just the drastic changes, but during the lonely season of my life, while facing postpartum, I was learning something. I was learning who I am.

Who am I when it gets tough?

The way my children check me, or I check myself, I learned that God is really GROWING me up. I thought I was patient and mature and just the best servant towards others, but I was in survival mode mentality to my den. I learned that I depended on phone calls with my sisters, who were stay-at-home mothers before I moved, to keep me company, rather than my own kids. Let alone, I learned that through those phone calls, where we did not even have to speak, I did not know how to be alone in my thoughts and presence with God. I became dependent on people and not Him. I couldn’t help but think that maybe if my car was working, how I would have spent most of my time going back and forth from where we moved to hang out with my friends, rather than really living in the new community with people I was meant to serve here. I had to learn to get uncomfortable and make a real change to accept the next chapter in my life, rather than complaining about everything that came up. And when it came to my husband, I had to see that we were here for a reason that has ultimately blessed my family, whether it was in the way I wanted it or not. It is still a blessing, and I needed to be kind and change my perspective on my husband’s judgment and choices as the head of the household, rather than grumbling under my breath. I honestly had to apologize at some point for how I treated him, because it was a massive change for him as well that I never considered. To be honest, he had made every effort to make the best out of everything he could for the whole family.

That wake-up call, which made me realize I was not who I thought I was, has led me to recognize how much my heart needs to change, and I am currently working on that. I barely have a social life, but I’m trying to put myself out there to make friends (SO DIFFICULT) I am genuinely working on rebuilding myself into a healthy person that my kids need to become and also who I need for myself…. It’s hard, but there is a reason for the season.

It was a challenge to adjust to a one-income household because I had always cared for myself and others before kids. Still, I had to learn again where I stand this season as a Stay-at-Home Mom, which made me realize that my season at home is bigger than just raising kids. Being in this town, I have so far learned that there is a mission I am called to here. For me, personally, there was a lot of growing up in Christ that I needed, but I needed that time alone in the most uncomfortable place to be broken and vulnerable with God, to receive everything He required me to receive from Him. I believe He needed to remind me of my place in this world, guided by His will and His role in my life.