My Encounter With An 81-Year-Old & His Advice As A Parent
So, this morning, I had a moment with God. At first, I was having alone time with Him, reading, when I suddenly felt led to pray about me being a horrible parent and how I feel like I have already failed my babies as a mother. I was so upset that I just asked God to help me do things right. I asked if He would correct my errors, erase what I have done wrong these past three years, and fix my children and me. I just needed to cry out to God to let out the frustration of failure that I was feeling that week, and I ended my session to prepare for the day laid out before me. (That was around 7 am)
From 7:15 am – 9 am, I managed to wake up the toddlers, nurse one while the other two dressed themselves, finish nursing to dress the baby, cook a fresh breakfast, and while they ate, I prepared lunch for the go for our library day that we walk 30minutes to, did their hair and brushed teeth, organized and packed up the wagon, cleaned the kitchen and last minute did potty breaks before walking out the door, all on an empty stomach. (I have never purposely and Spiritually fasted before, so I was trying to have a week pre-trial to see if I would succeed before taking on the real thing… ) Well, that is beside the point! Anyway, making that walk with nothing but water in scripture in my head, I managed to be okay with having a bit of park time before the toddler time at the library started.
After walking to the library and having a good toddler time session, I was ready to walk home, expecting to be on time for a nap until 15 minutes into the walk, when one of the toddlers wanted their water bottle. I kid you not; when I discovered that he had left the bottle at the library, I had a silent moment of releasing emotions before deciding to walk back to the library. Yes, I know I could have just bought a new bottle, but that was not the point. I did not want to tell the kids that everything could be easily replaced. I told them on the walk back to the library that we needed to be responsible for our items and needed to go back to get what we left behind because it was bought with hard-working money and that we were not just going to replace it. Then, I asked them to speak amongst themselves because I needed time to myself and God to remain calm. (Again, I was HUNGRY by this point, and my goal was to get to noon to eat while they napped. It was already 1:30, so I was inwardly agitated, with the youngest tired and napping and the older two arguing about the heat.)
By the time I got to the library, the staff knew there had to have been something wrong for me to return, so after I told them about the water bottle, they helped me look for it—ALL for me to find it in front of my face in the wagon! I was just beside myself. I couldn’t believe it, but I told myself and the ladies that everything happened for a reason, and I could only believe that. At the end of my moment of stating what I had said, one of the ladies who was assisting someone came up to me and started explaining how she hoped that I would be there at the library still talking to my friends when she got back from lunch with her dad because she really wanted me to meet him. She was upset when she saw that I was not there, but she then asked if I would meet him then and there.
And so, I did!
This 81-year-old man I approached had a huge, beautiful smile and was ready to meet. He spoke to me about admiring me with the children during toddler story time and being fascinated by how well-behaved the boys were then. He then said that he has four boys and one girl and that seeing me in my position flooded his memories because his children were also all back-to-back.
I want to add that God told my husband and I, that we would have five kids, and I always hoped to have four boys and one girl. So, I found that just amazing.
Upon hearing his story about a massive chunk of his life, I asked him for any tips he could give me on raising children, and so he did.
14 Points of Advice from an 81-Year-Old
1. God Will ALWAYS Provide
The first thing he advised was that God would always provide. He said never to worry about food, shelter, or any other necessities you and your family need because God will always provide for you and your family. He mentioned times when he did not know how money would show up, even with him working three jobs, but everything was taken care of. He did not have the fancy house or everything our generation thinks we need today; he just had everything that they needed, and everything worked out. Every one of his kids turned out perfect, with healthy lifestyles they could comfortably maintain.
2. Back Up Your Husband (Y’all are a team)
Never put your children above your husband, and never have parenting moments where you undermine him in front of the children. The children will lose respect for him and you as well. You and your husband come first, and you should be a team in the home as husband and wife and as parents backing each other up. If there is something that you disagree with, then privately discuss it with your husband to settle the matter. When you are a team that has each other’s backs, the kids will know that they cannot go behind each other’s backs to get what they want, and they also learn how to honor and respect what was said.
3. Listen To Your Husband About His Day
You may not be able to join in your husband’s world when he is at work, but when he comes in, he has to adjust back into y’all world together, which can be difficult sometimes. You will never understand his field of work, the weight of his stress, and the awareness he has to protect others. He may not want to tell you everything about his job, but when he does decide to speak, listen. As he helps you with the kids, try to love him as much as he allows you to and listen to what he says. You may not need to respond either; sometimes, he wants to share his day and air it out to release it off his chest and wants you to listen and not speak. And you must learn to be okay with that. And when it’s your turn to have your moment, you can.
4. Don’t Change Your Kids. They Are Who They Are
I am not saying that you cannot raise them up in God and lead them in the right direction, but if your child’s interest is in something that you did not plan nor do you share that same interest with them, then that is okay. Join their world and encourage their interest by participating in it with them. (Speaking on healthy interests that are pure and not bad).
Honestly, it has been a struggle since my oldest was barely one year old. I have always told my husband, who was an athlete since his toddler days, that I did not want my boys to play football. Unfortunately, my oldest, who is now three, and his brothers apparently did not get the memo, and they ALL LOVE FOOTBALL! For me, it’s because of the head trauma issues, and it did not help that I went to high school where one of the football players died on the field on a Friday night game, so I just have no interest in my boys playing, but I have allowed them to toss the ball to one another in the house or yard. I still hope they will change their sports interests, but I doubt they will since my husband still has his football pictures and rewards in sight of their little inspired eyes.
5. Always Tell Your Children You Love Them
This is not a rule but a suggestion. How do you feel when you are reassured that you’re loved by your husband, no matter what? You feel good, right? Well, your children are corrected throughout the day and face consequences for their actions, which might make you feel like the bad person all day, but reassuring, even in challenging moments, that you love them is a need for them mentally, emotionally, and Spiritually.
My daddy used to say that he loved me all the time, but after he got sick when I was around six to seven years old, he never went a day without telling me that he loved me. He would randomly say, “You know I love you, right? I will always love you, no matter what happens.” I promise you, he never stopped. Even in college, he would call me every day to tell me morning, noon, and night until his last day of life, and I remember almost all the moments of him saying it, too.
Make this an intentional habit with your children. Create these moments for both of you to reconnect.
6. Be Fair With Each Child
Let your yes be yes and your no be no to everyone. Always be fair with your children. The rules enforced in the home need to apply to everyone and should be respected by everyone.
7. Never Show Favoritism
When you show favoritism toward your children, it will mentally affect the children who are not the favorites and create bitterness and resentment toward your golden child.
8. “What Do You Think You Deserve As A Punishment?”
This is what he would ask his children when they have done something after being told the rules once. His son would respond, “You should give me another chance.” But He would respond to his son, “Well, you had many chances, and now I have to spank you because if I do not after I told you the last time that you would be spanked, then you will make me a liar on my word. And I am not a liar.”
When I tell you that I was surprised to hear him say that, I was shocked!
It was not the spanking part, which I know some parents view as an aged parenting style. Still, it was part of him not telling his child repeatedly to listen and follow through on his word of action so that his children would not see him as a liar. Still, he is a man of his word. Honestly, at some point in the past few months, I have been the opposite of him with my oldest, trying the gentle parenting methods that only resulted in me having more breathing exercises than I wanted from trying to control my emotions. So, I decided to try this method and see what would happen. (I will update you on the discipline advice when I see results: don’t worry, I will not run to whooping my children, but following through on what I say when they break the rules will be interesting to see on both ends!)
9. Be Patient
Outside of having God as everything you can ever need in parenting, patience is the number one thing you need in your season of raising toddlers. They will mess up things, have tantrums, make you upset, and make you feel like they are intentionally disrespecting you, but through all of that, you need to master the art of patience and find that method that helps you stay in a place where you do not match your toddlers outcrying moments, or any moment of the matter, but that you can truly resolve the situation most appropriately because your methods allow you to have peace and find a solution through you first gaining patience.
Reacting to a toddler’s reaction does not improve things; it shows your toddler how to react when faced with uncomfortable moments. They need to see healthy methods and responses so that they can learn and grow to imitate healthy, beneficial behaviors.
So, Mama, if you want to find a solution to your toddler’s meltdowns and problems to really resolve the issue for both parties, learn the art of patience. God has given it to you through His Spirit.
10. Give Your Children Tools & Teach Them Handiwork
When you teach your children at a young age the basics of tools, their names, and usage, then you will enhance their knowledge through projects on how they can create and build things, which will allow them to assist someone who needs help or allow them to take care of fundamental issues in their home or with their car if they ever faced something. This allows your children to make repairs with satisfaction and save money in their pockets by not spending an arm and a leg on someone else’s work.
11. Be Aware Of Your Actions & How You Carry Yourself. They Will Imitate You
Your children see everything you do and will imitate it, so be careful what you say and do.
So, in other words, be the best self you wish you could be or pray your kids will become from watching you. Do not fake it to make it, but ask God to prune you to be the daughter He has called you to be, especially in your season of Motherhood, which never goes away!
12. Community
Let your children learn how to listen to and respect other leaders in charge. Adults can be the everyday people they are familiar with, such as the librarian for toddler time, doctor, teacher, babysitter, family, and other adults.
Teach your children how to respect you when you are talking to someone else by learning to wait their turn without interruptions, unless it’s an emergency. Most importantly, they should be taught how to act in public. (What do you expect from them?)
13. Teach Your Children That They Only Have Each Other And That They Need To Love and Take Care Of Each Other. (Especially after you are gone.)
This advice is something I am familiar with because my daddy told my sisters and I this until the day he left this earth. This phrase may encourage us to be the way we are, which is very close. Honestly, he was right, too. My mother only had my daddy and really did not see the point in having friends because they did everything together. My mother also did not have family since my parent’s relationship was a forbidden interracial love that cost her everything that she knew, so I believe that my daddy knew that because my sister and I are best friends, with her being alone, my sisters and I needed to be there to take care of her because he did everything since they were 13 years old. That was an interesting journey, all to say in the end. I affirm this message and encourage you to tell your children this.
In a way, you can tell them that because they only have each other as a family under one roof to take care of, if something happens to you (and vice versa), they will need to stick together and make sure that they take care of your husband when you are gone because he will need it more than they think.
14. Do Not Be Hard On Yourself
Do not try to be overbearing. Live in the moment, day by day, or you will stress yourself out.
Did you know that children need time to be bored? When children are bored, they become creative and independent in finding solutions. This takes the pressure off always having something planned every hour of the day and helps your children learn not to feel the need to rely on you for EVERYTHING they are capable of doing… (Although I am the Mama who is all willing for independent time, I cherish every moment they need me because I know there will be a time when they won’t need me, or maybe I can’t be there for them, so yeah.)
He also added that parents today look overly exhausted in survival mode, barely surviving when they should be enjoying this time raising kids, which is also true. From every mother I have encountered through mommy groups, I can testify to his statement from what I have seen and heard from mothers. Heck, even myself. I found myself stressed out with my detailed schedule that may have worked when I had more control over babies and the beginning toddler phase, but now that everyone is growing into themselves and has emotions… Mama’s, you cannot schedule tantrums, scrapes, and growth spurts with the symptoms and illnesses that come with it. Because of that, I fell into survival mode from time to time (more so during my ovulation and menstruation seasons) and knew that I needed a change for sure. I needed to stop looking at the clocks, stop using the timers, and relax. I still make sure that I stay in 30-minute increments with their main schedule, but I learned to let them enjoy their day without stress and have more independent time to figure out their interest and joys, which showed me what relaxing can do for the family.
Guys, I cannot explain this encounter, but it was an encounter that only God could orchestrate. I mean, the timing of everything was perfect! After crying out to God early this morning and wishing my daddy was still alive, to meeting him hours later quoting the EXACT words that my daddy used to say to my sisters and I growing up, let alone the same hobbies they both shared and almost the same working situation with kids struck me to where I could not stop crying. It’s like God really wanted me to receive those words and compliments from this man who reminded me of my daddy. Oh, and may I add that my daddy also had five kids, one boy and four girls… crazy, right?
After this encounter, I knew I had to share this moment with someone who needed to hear this, too. That man told me not to remember him until I was 81 years old, but before the day is done and I honor his wishes, I just thought to share this message before it left me because I cannot stop thinking about how good God is for making this happen for not just me but for him, too. (And the Mama’s out there who received anything from this.)
