Miscarriage: Anembryonic pregnancy, have you heard of it?
I will always be grateful for this picture that my husband took of me hours before a procedure was done to finally end my pregnancy. I was hurt to have to make the decisions that were given to me, but it was a procedure that, nonetheless, had to happen.
Anembryonic pregnancy, have you heard of it?
It is a term I came to understand when I was supposed to see my baby’s gender, but instead, I saw a dark screen of an empty sac.
The doctor’s visit started with typical questions that every pregnant woman is asked, which led to a vaginal check-up of the cervix, which was closed and considered healthy overall. Then, as I lay on the bed thanking God for a healthy closed cervix, the doctor asked if I wanted to know the sex of my baby. Of course, after three months of excitement and curiosity, I convinced myself that I could not wait and wanted to see the gender. The doctor then excitedly hooked up the sonogram machine, and as we were both ready to see what was supposed to be there, IT WAS NOT THERE! I did not see what I had witnessed with my other pregnancies. I only saw an empty, dark, blank circle.
After the doctor searched and continued to ask me questions, he then explained to me that there was a chance that I was experiencing an anembryonic pregnancy, which is when a fertilized egg is implanted in the uterus but fails to continue to develop a complete embryo. He then advised me not to give up hope, because there have been times when this would happen, and the next week, the woman would return, and a baby would be present. He encouraged me not to be afraid and to wait it out.
After leaving the hospital, about 30 minutes in, I remembered walking into a sandwich shop and feeling weird. I ran to the bathroom and grieved because I thought I had experienced a miscarriage then and there, but that was not the case. At the following check-up, I learned that everything was still closed and healthy, HCG levels were still high, and my sack was still empty. Again, the doctor told me to hold on to hope.
I experienced three weeks of having hope until I told the doctor that it was not there. I knew deep down that his hope was kind to have, but there was no baby and no changes in the body occurring. At that point, I asked him what was next. He told me I could naturally play the waiting game for my body to naturally release the sac, which I tried for three weeks, but at some point, I had to consider procedural options for removing the sac. On this day of the picture, I had eventually done what I had no more time to give, for my health’s sake. The procedure.
From the first appointment, the day I wanted to find out the gender, to today, I grieved. I grieved then because I did not know what to expect. I reached out to a few people, and their words fell short of what I wanted and needed to hear. “At least it was not a real pregnancy,” said one. “I mean, there was no baby, so that should make you feel better,” said another. I was being talked to as if what I was experiencing was not real or valid. (Maybe I was too emotional and took it the wrong way from their true intentions) But that is what I was told. The thing is, it was real. For months, I prayed over this baby and massaged my belly with hopes of that “one day moment.” I was ready for October 21st and eager to finally share the news of my pregnancy with people early. I replayed the birthday surprise to my husband with the announcement. I looked at the pictures over and over again, thinking how fun that moment was, all to feel stupid and like a failure, and told myself I would never do something like that unless I knew. My body grew the whole time and gave me every symptom of pregnancy, and the doctors still couldn’t believe how high my HCG levels were and how far out I was carrying the sac. This made them search in different locations and have multiple people in the room for weeks, trying to see if they were overlooking a missing baby. One of the hardest parts about it all is hearing them say, “Your body does not want to receive that there is no baby, so we will have to make it come out.” Those words HURT. My body didn’t want to receive the news, and so it kept growing and kept acting like I was pregnant. And during that time, having strangers and other people ask me if I was pregnant or congratulate me did not help. But you know what made this pregnancy real and valid when others tried to take it away from me? The milk that came in last week. After two weeks of not being pregnant, my milk had come in and is still here.
I faced a miscarriage during my first pregnancy, and I grieved every time I got pregnant, as well as throughout this whole experience. I questioned God again about why this had to happen in the first place and was fearful of what it meant for my future in many areas of my life. I was bitter and confused, and faced heavy anxiety that made me feel like I was having a heart attack and depression. Despite all I had faced from loss and the spiritual battle, the only thing that I knew for sure and that I held on to was these repetitive words.
“Lord, Father. I am hurting, and I don’t know the point of why I was given this experience. Despite it all, I still love you and know that you are good. I know that your plans are better than mine, so please just heal me because I am hurting. I really do love you no matter what. Thank you for my babies that I do have with me as well. Please, just heal my heart.”
No matter what you face in life, always remember that God’s ways and plans for your life are good, because He is a good God. You may never understand it, nor receive the answers you want, but EVERYTHING that God has His hand on is good. Never let your season or battle determine who God is in your life. He is the same as yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He is a good, all-knowing, and loving Father.
For women who have experienced a miscarriage, especially one like this. NEVER let anyone invalidate your experience and what you have faced. It is and was real. If this is one of many experiences that you have had on your journey in trying to get pregnant, DO NOT LOSE HOPE. I had MANY years where the doctors told me I could not have children, nor after the first miscarriage did I think I could have them as well since it never happened, BUT God’s timing was perfect when it came, and I was blessed to be pregnant three times in a row! It was NOT my intention to have that happen back-to-back to back, but it did. Keep praying and trusting Him who gives life; be in His peace, and His Will will be done unto you.
What I Learned From This Experience:
1. Your News Is Not Meant To Be Shared With Everyone Immediately: You will be surprised with who you can share your news with. (Good & Bad).
I have always been a private person who kept good or bad news to myself, especially good news. I never liked telling my family or friends about my pregnancies until I had to in the third trimester because, after my first pregnancy and hearing certain people’s remarks, I had learned to keep special news to myself. This pregnancy was almost an exception. I was so excited about this pregnancy that the day I had my check-up and was about to find out the gender of my baby, I was ready to share the joyous news with the whole world, which would change in just the blink of an eye. Because I was unable to share the good news, I didn’t care about what anyone thought of the bad news. I felt like I needed to just cry out to loved ones and hear encouragement, or just nothing, but just to pour out my emotions. That was not the case for the few I went to first. The one thing I did not expect to hear, after explaining everything, was, “I mean it’s not like a real miscarriage. At least there was no baby. It wasn’t a real pregnancy.” That does not include the “You have three kids already; leave your body alone and let it rest. You don’t need anymore out there.”
I say this to emphasize that you can share your news with people, but be mindful of your audience. Not everyone is going to tell you what you want to hear, nor should you have high expectations of others when you deliver such news. If you can, tell them what you expect from them with the news you’re about to share. Such as: “I just want to say this with no response.” OR “I would like to just vent to you about something, and I am susceptible to hearing anything back, so could you just listen to me or hug me?” (This can work for those who know what to expect from the person they are delivering news to.)
*I will say, the first choice of people I thought I could tell my news to was the people whom I did not expect to say such hurtful words. (Again, their intentions were maybe not to seem hurtful, but I could not receive it.) But the last person I thought I could turn to about my news was the person who was so compassionate and walked the journey with me every day to check on me. So, you never know sometimes and could be surprised in the moment, but again. Tell your news in your time with those you feel like will truly be what you need or want.
2. Timing Is Everything
Although life must continue and go on, do not rush the healing process for the convenience of others, nor try to move on. With healthy habits, allow yourself to go through the healing journey. Through this journey that I am recovering from, I learned that holding my emotions in was not the greatest thing to show my kids. Holding my emotions in made me angry, and at times, I would unnecessarily shout at my children, which led me to feel remorseful for hurting their feelings. I apologized for this multiple times. But on day two of my process, I could not hide my pain and emotions and explained to my toddlers, after apologizing for the day before, that I was physically in pain and hurt that I did not receive a gift in my tummy that I thought I was going to have. Now, my body is aching and sad. The older two toddlers heard my reaction the day before that I was bleeding and remembered my devastation of emotions, so they brought that up, and since then, they have been checking on me and working with my feelings, too. I know that some may think they are too young to be put in the position of catering to my emotions, but the care that they naturally had for me, showing real human emotion from such an experience, gave me a chance to see their natural character in having a serving heart as well as allowed me to apologize and ask for forgiveness and remind them how much they are worth and what they do not deserve from me in my most challenging moments.
3. Process Your Journey
With three toddlers running around and my husband, who gets deployed from time to time, with me living far away from family, it is difficult to feel my emotions and grieve the way I wanted to, but I knew that I could not just dismiss my reality either.
Anyone who has read this or experienced a season like the one I’m currently in knows that it is a temporary phase of life. Your healing may last for one to two seasons at a time, but this, too, shall pass. Feel what you are feeling, but never lose hope or faith in God. Never forget the goodness of God through grievance. You have a right to how you feel and think, but you also have authority over your mind, so take captive those intrusive thoughts and speak life whenever you can. Pray. And know that what the enemy meant for evil, God will turn it for good.
4. Take Care Of Yourself
- Hygienic Health
- Physical Health
- Mental Health
- Spiritual Health
Do not neglect to take care of your body as a whole during your healing process. You still need to eat healthily during your body’s transition. Physically do what your doctor instructed or what your body feels like you need to do in recovery after your resting period. Mentally, you need to cope and find the right support group that can help you through this. Spiritually, you need the guidance, healing, comfort, hope, and faith that you can and will come through this season. This is not to say that you will forget such an experience but to say you will not stay in that place of depression or physical pain forever.
5. Spread The Awareness That This Is Not A Failure On A Woman, But That Miscarriages Is More Common Than Talked About.
Sadly. This is not talked about to women until the moment happens (which can be a good thing for some women if they are in early pregnancy with their mental health). Still, miscarriages do occur in 15-20% of women who have reported them clinically. Unless you are engaging in inappropriate or forbidden actions, or a tragedy occurs suddenly, such as a car accident or illness, this unfortunate experience is not a woman’s failure or fault of any kind.
I pray that this reaches the one it is meant for and that you, sister, know that you are not alone. You were never alone.
I love you, Shalom.
Tonight’s Late Night Message: Another Miscarriage Hardship
