How My Biracial Life Nearly Stole My Identity In God: Testimony
I thought my identity came from how my peers saw me. Mixed. Yet mostly a “black” woman, but that was not who I was. To me at the time, I was both of my parents. Both black and white. I did not see it any other way. I was hurt when people of all ages would define me, let alone try to make me choose who I was.
Choosing a side, whether I was black or white, was a choice that no child wanted to be in and should never have to experience. How could I choose to be only one of my parents who were completely different from the outer appearance but shared a common love that was blinded to others? I refused to choose a parent many times, but to the majority, it didn’t matter either way. I was still just a black girl and woman. I had that percentage that makes you black, and it divided me amongst everyone. I was always called the mixed girl who could not understand political views with peers from both sides, because I was told that I was just confused and did not know anything. I was not wanted by either side, which is what I learned early on due to my parents’ interracial love that separated my white side due to racism, and I faced criticism and stereotypes from my black side. Thankfully, my parents raised us to love everyone still and to understand that the only people we could count on were each other as a family unit, because that was all we had—each other. Fortunately, by the time I reached middle school, I had a clear understanding of my place in the world. Unwanted. Judged by many and not accepted by either side. And when I mean sides, I mean experiencing classmates telling me that I have lost my “black card” and could not participate in black history programs, yet would be upset if I later had a crush on a white boy. To even my body being shamed by white peers and being made fun of for features that I naturally had and could not change. (Body shaming alone was a decade of insecurities that made me feel like a lost person, nearly killing myself for the image that everyone wanted around me.) From the snarky criticism that I received from family to the peers around me, my identity was seen by others and not myself, which led to extreme insecurities, anxiety, and depression.
However, because I had convinced myself that I could settle with keeping my unwanted ‘dumb’ opinions to myself, nearly and sometimes lost relationships for such opinions of me along the way which almost made me bitter and angry for such judgment (which was not my character to be such negative person), change my body at nearly any cost, settle my thoughts of feeling unwanted by everyone and more, and hide the parts that felt safe which included my walk with God, I then realized at the age of eighteen that I did not fully live a life that was freeing as I thought I lived, and I did not know my true identity in any form or way because I was living by the validations of the world and not God. I made a lot of unhealthy decisions and bad habits based on who I could please and if I felt comfortable in any way, over time. Thankfully, my college years’ experience changed that for me in my 5-year journey of self-discovery outside of the family unit and environment.
Entering my freshman year of college, I remembered that many friends told me that I was the first interracial person of color that they had met, which made me feel completely rare and, from time to time, uncomfortable. Still, it was an enlightening experience that I was eager to share with others about who I was, until my personality naturally began to emerge. The personality of being a girl who loved God, amongst other first-year freshmen who did not come from the same family dynamic as mine, with a family that sticks together, as well as a girl who could not talk without mentioning the love I had for God. And through my actions and innocence, it was clear to them who I was.
That year, I was tested to break rules and be rebellious. Still, because of who I stood firm in being, my crew knew exactly how to cherish me as a person in the group and how to respect me in every adventure along the way, which made my last year’s affirmation of who I was in my identity clear.
After seeing my atheist friends who questioned who I was and at the beginning tested me to see how far I would rebel from beginning years, to see them transform and serve me in my low seasons the way I would care for them made me see that the identity that I was trying to figure out from my early freedom days coming to college, was an identity that was formed from my childhood that never left me because it was an Identity that was in God first. It was an identity formed from the love of my Father that had been instilled in my heart at an early age and never left.
It was never about the things that I did in the world that made me, or the people I knew. It was not the experiences I had faced along the way because of my appearance, nor what others thought about me. Heck, my identity was not even what I felt about myself, because our thoughts in low places can be sabotaging and lead us to believe incorrect things about who we are. My identity was formed before I was born. It was placed over me the moment I was formed in my mother’s womb. It was an Identity that mirrored the one within me: my primary parent, Abba. (God, our Heavenly Father).
So, from what the world can visually see, I am not just a biracial mother, a wife, a sister, and a Friend, but I am most importantly, a Child of God! Only those who have seen me and have a relationship with me can see that for themselves. I was a child of God first, before I received the blessed titles that came to me later. My identity in Christ led me to become a good wife, which led to beautiful children.
One day, I asked my mother, “If you could give me any advice in life right now, even as a wife and mother, what would you tell me?” In response, she told me,
Never forget who you are. Never get caught up in being a wife and a mother to the point where you lose who you are and who you were created to be. You are my Hannah G, whom I love, and you are amazing in all the things you are and have become over the years, but remember who you are. Remember you before you became a wife and mother. Remember who God showed you before the world tried to tell you differently, because when life gets hard, you will become lost if you lose or don’t know your identity in Christ. Don’t lose Hannah. God made you special before he made you a wife and mother. In fact, the qualities of God in you attracted your husband. I have loved your dad since I was 13 years old until the day he died, but I died with him that day because I grew up as a kid with him and made him my world. I had to relearn life because I relied on him as he cared for me and you girls. It was hard trying to find me as an adult in my 50s. So, I tell you, don’t lose Hannah. You need her on days like these. You need the beauty God created you to be in loneliness, imagination, and everyday life. You will get caught up chasing after your husband’s and children’s dreams and put yourself last for everyone else until you’re gone and depressed, angry, lost, and confused, realizing that your loved one was your focus and not GOD! Don’t lose yourself. Don’t lose Hannah.
Your identity in Christ matters, and I want to share with you what I have learned upon reading God’s truth in my NIV Bible. I was reminded through the Holy Spirit that I am:
CHOSEN “I Am My Father’s Child”
Loved
Forgiven & Redeemed
Justified & Validated Through God, Not people.
NOT my Own
I have a Guide and a Gardener
I need wisdom to decide who gets to speak into my life!
Blessed
The relief I felt upon discovering who I was created to be was a revelation that encouraged me to continue being myself and inspired me to encourage others who have experienced a similar path or may be lost, trying to figure out their identity. If you have been in a place where you are confused about finding your identity in a world that is eager to define you, then please read: How Do I Find My Identity In A Broken Lens World? –. It is a straightforward guide featuring scriptures that will help you understand your identity in Christ. Not from my opinions, but from the Word of God that was freely given to His children, the one He loves. You. I hope this testimony encourages you to look beyond the world’s eyes and within yourself, so that you can live in redemption with your identity firmly rooted in truth.
Shalom!
Scriptures
The World Hates the Disciples
“If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.
John 15:18-19
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
Proverbs 4:23
The Wise and Foolish Builders
“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”
Matthew 7:24-27
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:8
But whoever loves God is known by God
1 Corinthians 8:3
For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin
Romans 6:6
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
1 John 1:9
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you. Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you. Many are the woes of the wicked, but the Lord’s unfailing love surrounds the one who trusts in him.
Psalm 32:8-10
They will spring up like grass in a meadow, like poplar trees by flowing streams. Some will say, ‘I belong to the Lord’; others will call themselves by the name of Jacob; still others will write on their hand, ‘The Lord’s,’ and will take the name Israel.
Isaiah 44:4-5
No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God’s seed remains in them; they cannot go on sinning, because they have been born of God. This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not God’s child, nor is anyone who does not love their brother and sister.
1 John 3:9-10
Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. All who have this hope in him purify themselves, just as he is pure.
1 John 3:2-3
The one who keeps God’s commands lives in him, and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know it by the Spirit he gave us.
1 John 3:24
But if anyone obeys his word, love for God is truly made complete in them. This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did.
1 John 2:5-6
