He Met Me Where I Was Testimony

One night after a long day of taking care of my family’s needs while enduring pain physically and mentally, as well as trying to maintain my emotions from just a not-so-good day, I decided to try to go to sleep early that night, and yet found myself venting to God. I could not go to sleep with so much on my chest; I needed to release everything that I could no longer hold. I was tired of having to be the bigger person and remain almost like a robot of perfection, trying to be like Christ, and knowing that I was failing in every way and direction broke me that night. I could no longer handle it. I cried out to God, missing our morning sessions and random worship throughout the day. (I know 2-3 weeks of being off schedule and missing that time does not sound like a lot, but for me, it was the icing on the cake to the hectic life that my family had endured all summer and fall.) From a rocky marriage, 2 miscarriages and pregnancy again (all alone because my husband had been relocated and moved before us and was deployed a lot), to moving (packing and unpacking 3 times in just almost 2 months) dang near alone, to finally feeling like a failure of a mother because all of my babies were clearly affected by the changes and I did not know how to handle everyone including myself and our dogs who wanted to act out. IT WAS JUST TOO MUCH in a short period of time!

Though I was crying in my bed, alone in the darkness, to God, wondering how I could be so weak, faint in heart of faith and hope, I then asked Him to help me be a better person. I asked Him to help me become better than the me before. To have that fire enriched in my soul again because I was burnt out on life alone. I begged Him for help because physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally, I could no longer do it alone. I needed His help. While pleading for my dear life, I fell asleep.

Thankfully, that was just the beginning! The following morning, I woke up at 5 am to my oldest crying at my door, informing me that he had had an accident. It was quite unusual for him to have an accident, but nonetheless, it happened, and I was awake, changing his clothes and sheets. I hugged, kissed, and talked to him to reassure him that mistakes happen, and he fell back asleep, leaving me awake now and believing in my heart that God used His beautiful baby boy to wake me up so I could have time with Him. I looked at my clock as I usually do to try to break down time blocks on what I could do, when suddenly the lights flickered and shut my clock off! I thought it was strange for that to happen, but I knew God wanted me to focus on Him, not the clock.

I then sat on my bed with books and my bible wondering where to even start reading. I have had a desire to start my 365-bible challenge since I finished the New Testament, but that morning, when I randomly opened the book, I physically said, “Lord, I don’t even know where to start!” I soon became aware of the book of Proverbs that He had placed before me. A book that I always start, but never finish, because after chapter 3, I just get steered somewhere else. But that morning, He brought me to Proverbs 22 & 23. Because of the way the passage began, I decided to read Proverbs 21-24, and let me tell you… That was ALL Holy Spirit and His direction for me to read, and cry, and pray, and repeat!

Everything that I cried out to our Father about the night before was ALL revealed in His Word that morning. He literally had our son wake me up to have time with me and respond to everything my heart was grieving. He spoke wisdom to me to stop rushing in everything I do because of it leading to poverty ( and that is far beyond financial, that is spiritual, of what all you can miss out on and lose in a fast-paced life, never allowing yourself to go slow and hear from God and see what He is doing, It also speaks on patient tolerance). Then He went on to speak about a quarreling wife, whom, for me, during those seasons, I had become time to time. There was much to say about raising up our children and discipling them, as well as the biggest phrase, “apply your heart…” To me, that was a highlighter because when my daddy was here on earth, he would ALWAYS say, “Apply yourself,” which, of course, was action, and it was something that has been engraved on my brain, and I have finally been able to read from my Heavenly Father that morning. The morning that marked 9 years since my daddy’s passing. I don’t believe in coincidences; I truly believe that it was all set up perfectly for me. I needed a Father, and He heard my cries. He answered my prayers with direct Word. Such powerful and enriching words that I cannot even fully explain because they were just so much shared in those passages alone. 4 Chapters of my life were answered. He didn’t just meet me halfway; it was as if He was determined to have such an encounter that could not be disturbed, even by my boys, who usually wake up around 6:30-7 am. He allowed them to rest so I could have what I needed. Though He pursued me every step of the way, I, as a daughter, had to apply myself by taking action to choose to receive what was unfolding before me. I had to choose to stay up and read and choose not to get distracted by anything around me. I had to choose to just be still in know God and what He was doing in those precious hours.

He heard His daughters cry and again He delivered. He showed up in a way I could not walk away from and ignore. He never leaves nor forsakes, but we both know that sometimes, when you are going through it, or you have become accustomed to tuning Him out, it can feel like He is not nearby. But, sister, that is not true! He is near the brokenhearted, and He is with you. He has always been there to meet me where I was. I just needed to have that heart cry out and really allow myself to see that, at some point, I was running on my own merits to the ground, and I needed to confess my wrongdoings and let Him know I acknowledge that I need Him.

 Acknowledging that you cannot do it alone and that you really need help and guidance is the first step toward applying yourself to studying the Bible and having a relationship with God.

I PRAY that this testimony and post were helpful in any way, as it was for me through experience. I pray that you do not become discouraged, but that you are so deeply desired and eager to dive in that you are moved by that and His Spirit alone to keep continuing. I pray that He will direct your ways (Jeremiah 29:11) and that you truly receive what He has made known for you, His beautiful daughter. That I do pray, in Jesus name!