Overcoming The “I Am So Tired Of Being A Christian” Phase.
There was a point in my life when I grew tired of being a Christian. Because I want to be real and vulnerable, I will share some things that led me down the road of feeling overwhelmed and having unwholesome thoughts. And let me say this now, after everything I had been through, I kept walking and trying with God until… I’ll just let you read it for yourself.
1. Sexual Harassment & Assault
I faced sexual harassment and assault repeatedly since elementary school. Here is the time frame range and the experience I encountered.
- Elementary:
I was picked on about certain features of my body and inappropriately touched by boys.
- High School:
Boys used to push me around in a circle from boy to boy, talking about what they would do to me.
I was also sexually attacked in the hallways, and because I was trying to push him away from me to get him off, he punched me in the face. Because I was the new girl, I was initially known and made fun of as the girl who got beaten up.
- College Mission Trip:
I was on a mission trip, and one of the students who was supposed to be doing missions touched me inappropriately in the pool despite me telling him repeatedly to leave me alone because I didn’t know him, nor did I know how to swim. The girls who were on the trip with me took a break from teaching me how to swim, leaving me to hang out on the wall alone, but he approached me and would not leave me alone. Thankfully, one of the girls saw me in distress and came to help me, and followed through with being my support team through the police report as well.
- Church:
Then there is a recent encounter I had at a new church I’ve started attending. Honestly, it was so highly uncomfortable, and without me knowing it, it traumatized me a bit, where I started skipping church altogether and was fidgety, rushing my kids to get in a car anywhere I was. I couldn’t even walk outside my doors for a month because I feared the encounter that I had with a man that I thought was Satan himself.
Initially, as I was learning to drop my toddlers off at Sunday school and make time for myself, I found myself going back and forth every 7-10 minutes to check on them, but my baby was not happy about being dropped off. Because the older two were good, I just took my baby out to go back with me to the main church. After he decided to make a scene, a woman saw me in embarrassment and panic mode and helped me find a room to nurse my baby. After I was finished, I walked back to the church side where they have a rocking chair in view of the pastor talking, and that is where I sat rocking my baby to sleep. Then, suddenly, a man came up to me and started talking to me. At first, I kept things brief because I was trying to be polite, but I was in and out, trying to rock my baby to sleep while also paying attention to the service. But this man kept going and trying to block my vision of the pastor. He started asking me, “You married?” and once he asked that, I immediately said, “Yes to a state trooper,” so that he could get the hint and leave me alone, but that made it worse. He said, “Oh, you must be married to a black man? You look like you are. I love a sista. Wait, your husband is”… and everything he described was the image of my husband. I mean, he is the only black law enforcement officer here, so I tried to let that go, but then he mentioned his routes and said a lot about my husband that was right on with every detail that he mentioned. Then, suddenly, he started asking personal questions about where I live. I ignored him until he got to the point of saying, “Oh yeah, I see him flirting with many women. He could be home right now with another woman. I know how he is. Next time your husband pulls me over, I am going to let him know that I am going to take you hostage. You’re going to be mine.” Then he said some sexually inappropriate things. Honestly, I was so scared when he said all that stuff that I could not even get up. I wanted to walk out on him, but because everyone was in service before me, I was scared he would follow me to my children and car. So I stayed. I kept thinking as he was talking some more, how he was the devil, and I kept praying that my sleeping baby would not hear any of his darkness in his dreams. It’s crazy because I had never seen him before, and two people walked by, alarmed by him talking to me, but they couldn’t understand my face, crying for help. The pastor even got closer to me while preaching as if he knew something was wrong, but nothing happened.
I skipped church for a while and finally had my friend start going with me because of my fear. She helped me report him to someone I trusted and was like following in line pastor, and its crazy because he told me that he saw that happen and even my first day back after the guy try to approach me, my friend told him to leave me alone, and when I was bringing my kids to Sunday school, the pastor said that he was trying to follow me out. I guess he did, but my friend must have said something to him.
Again, the pastor told me that those are some moments when you have to pray for your enemies, and although he said all those things, he needed to be in the church the most. I knew what he said was true, but I was crying because I just didn’t want to receive what I already knew. I was tired of being scared and always facing the same things. Why had I kept being a victim of these people in places where I was supposed to feel safe? Why me? What is wrong with me? Why am I so nice? I am fully clothed and don’t dress inappropriately, yet it happens repeatedly, all for me to hear that I need to pray and forgive him.
2. I always have to prove myself.
Then, there was always a time when I associated with people who made me feel like I had to prove myself to them. They would never believe my life stories, question my logic, or ignore me. I was tested in character, and my intentions made me inwardly cry because I knew deep down that my intentions were genuine. I could not believe that anyone who supposedly knew me would question my actions and motives. It was not until a year ago that I hung that curtain up and fired those qualities in myself that belittled me and allowed me to question myself.
I read John Bevere’s book The Awe of God, and he asked why we care so much about what others say and think. Why do we allow their judgment to be above God’s judgment over ourselves? (I am paraphrasing)
It hit me that nothing mattered but God. I am not here to prove myself to people. I am here to proclaim the Gospel—his story, not my own. I am not here to defend myself to that point because I have already been defended and proven with God as my Father. Why do I live around people’s desires and perceptions rather than God? Why did I allow them to basically sit in the seat that God is supposed to sit in in my life? I needed that to end, and it did. I grew fed up and was over it all.
Dispute Over Jesus’ Testimony
When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”
The Pharisees challenged him, “Here you are, appearing as your own witness; your testimony is not valid.”
Jesus answered, “Even if I testify on my own behalf, my testimony is valid, for I know where I came from and where I am going. But you have no idea where I come from or where I am going. You judge by human standards; I pass judgment on no one. But if I do judge, my decisions are true, because I am not alone. I stand with the Father, who sent me. In your own Law it is written that the testimony of two witnesses is true. I am one who testifies for myself; my other witness is the Father, who sent me.”
John 8:12-18
3. Exhausted, pouring out my love & Efforts with Nothing but disrespect given back.
I didn’t love people and expected the same love that I displayed to be reciprocated, although that would have been nice. However, receiving disrespect and being hurt back did a number on me, especially from loved ones.
Despite my frustration with my husband during our current marriage season, I realized that I needed to truly love people unconditionally, just as Jesus does.
If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13
4. Living in Fear of the World
It was always difficult for me to quiet my mind at night, knowing there was so much going on in the world that it seemed insurmountable. I saw no point in doing certain things because I was constantly reminded of Revelation, knowing that no matter what efforts I made to bring about change, it did not stop what was happening in the present time or what was to come.
At one point in time, I remember there always being a shooting somewhere, countries almost creating new wars, and sex trafficking being heavy near the city where I live. Not only that, it was the fear that I had so much love for my family, but the reality was that we were not going to be together forever, and I would then ponder how it would happen for us all or even if my loved ones will be saved and walk that narrow path through the gates of Heaven.
By this time of the night, after my thoughts had come so far on everything I had endured, I thought, at some point, why did I let so much time pass, allowing me to lose sleep entertaining unholy thoughts?
As scriptures says,
At this, some of the teachers of the law said to themselves, “This fellow is blaspheming!”
Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said, “Why do you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts? Which is easier: to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up and walk’?
Matthew 9:3-5
This leads me back to this question: Why do we entertain and give all our time to evil thoughts, worries, anxiety, depression, or anything else?
I mean, we don’t even devote our time to unholy thoughts in the same measure as God; instead, we use it for the enemy’s distraction and tactics. We entertain our unholy thoughts with our complete focus instead of putting an end to them all.
Anyway, let me re-focus.
Breathe
Overall, from everything that I had endured repeatedly, I did feel overwhelmed and questioned my relationship with God based on my emotions, merit status, and just the mental/physical overload that had exhausted me beyond measure. Still, I then realized the issue at hand. The problem behind everything was me and where I positioned myself. I was not just a victim, but I was a victim crying out to God, “Why me?” I was so focused on myself and how everything affected me, and not just that. Still, I also tried to fix everything with “my strength,” which sounds immature when I say it out loud, knowing that I am weak and only strong through Him, but rather than pouring out my cup and surrendering my all and being selfless and praying for my enemies, I became in victim mode and selfish. I was over being good just to be used, abused, and mistreated by the world. I felt bitterness and pettiness rise to my heart, and I yearned for justice. I wouldn’t even call it justice; I wanted the same people who hurt me to hurt in some way back. Not to the extreme, but so that they can see how it feels to be robbed and broken like me. (I know, in the midst, I didn’t even take time to realize they were broken, hence why they did those things to me.)
I know you may be surprised to hear me say all of this, but I changed at some point in my life because I couldn’t take it anymore. I remembered after being sexually assaulted in college, my daddy passed away a couple of months later, and I told God, “Lord, I love you, and I don’t want you to leave me, but I just want to be reckless without consequences. I am tired, and I just need space to do something because living right now is hard, and the pain that I am feeling needs to come out. So please do not leave me, but please let me just do something because I need to feel different, and me being everything you want me to be is not working right now.” (I’m crying just replaying that in my head because I was broken to tell God that, but I also knew I didn’t want Him to depart from me fully.)
All to say that I went out to a small-town bar that night and was HEAVILY convicted when my bible study girls caught me dancing on the floor. (I want to add that I danced alone, but just being in that environment was sad.)
Although that happened, I apologized to God and left the place immediately; however, that was not the end of the frustrations and pressure I felt in trying to be a good daughter to God. I went through a season shortly after where I was back in my word and felt like I was on fire for God, but I was still depressed and had anxiety. Then, I faced a drama that I should never have been involved in, and that never left for years because of the trauma it brought me. Honestly, the trauma I faced trying to serve God was still difficult because I begged and prayed to be released from it all, but it was an ongoing trauma that kept resurfacing every time it could through many triggers too. Maybe it was a familiar demonic spirit messing with me, which would make sense, but at another point, when it would not go away, the trauma festered in other ways in my life that left me different, character speaking. I was always moody and easily triggered, and, again, bitter, wanting just to be free.
UNTIL one day, I remember that I was walking past a mirror during postpartum and could not recognize myself at all. (Yes, this was an ongoing battle that I faced for over three years.) But again, I could not recognize myself in the mirror. I looked ugly. I’m not talking about no makeup (which I don’t wear) or the ugly outer appearance, although I was looking rough. I saw myself in the mirror and could not recognize myself at all. I was hideous from the inside out. It didn’t matter how much gospel music I played to cry out to God or what my intentions were when I would read my Word and occasionally go to church. I saw what an overwhelming, tired-out vessel looked like. I saw how it had been through a battle and that it had surrendered to the pain and bitterness that was inflicted on it, and the vessel which was me was left there in front of the mirror, looking at a broken soul. I cried out to God and asked, “What happened to me? What did I do? I lost myself because I didn’t let go of everything, and I got burned out. Now look at me. I wouldn’t want to love myself as another person either if I saw this on the outside.”
It was devastating. Still, it was the breaking point that I needed to be fed up with being harassed by myself and old demons. I needed this moment to get back on my feet and say, “enough is enough. I refuse to let my son see me like this and for anything to come off me to him. I am breaking the curse right now, in Jesus’ name.”
From everything I had experienced in my life and read, I knew exactly why Paul wrote encouraging words to his brothers and sisters. Why, he told us not to grow weary in doing good but to fight the great fight and to keep running our race for what lies ahead of us. Jesus even mentioned that there would be things we would face in the world, but that it would be okay because He had overcome them.
Life will happen. The good and the bad. There are things that we are going to endure, but it will not be in vain. God said no weapon formed against us should prosper nor prevail, and that is true. God turns every battle into a victory, and everything from bad to good will be used to glorify Him. Even Job, a faithful son to God, annoyed the devil to the point where the devil tried to convince God that Job was only faithful because of everything he had, but that was not the case. In proving so, God said you can do whatever you want, but you cannot touch him, and so the devil did. He took away everything Job had (family, land, friends, and more), but Job was still faithful, no matter what he lost, and God restored everything to him. (Just a summary of Job). But that is the same with us, too. Life is not just about the beauty of everything and never enduring anything, because what we face builds us into the person we are supposed to be. However, we acknowledge and declare that God is still good and Lord over our lives, regardless of our circumstances; that, in itself, is the beauty of life. Removing ourselves, our “needs”, or earthly desires and dreams, and even our comfortability of being always happy and satisfied, we put on a different lens that sees God’s hand, works, love, and truth in everything despite of what it looks like to the world who is not awake in the Spirit. And with the new lens, we will see beauty from ashes. We can praise God with our minds clear and focus so that we can praise Him fully for who He is, rather than crying out over our problems through songs, never even thinking about the goodness of God.
Life will happen, but God is and will forever be faithful. Good, Justice, Right, Loving, and our Heavenly Father, who made prophecy happen through the Gospel to save a soul like yours. Like mine.
I know that life may seem rough, and you are going back and forth. You may even feel the flesh and spirit going hand in hand in circumstances, but I will tell you this. Never forget who God is. Never Forget the Gospel. Your life was precious and bought at a price to be saved for eternity; do not lose yourself to this counterfeit, temporary world. Press through and see that many distractions are trying to keep you from entering those gates with your name written in a book. God never said that you couldn’t cry or have emotions, but He did say not to give up. There is a reason for trials and tribulations. There is a reason why the enemy tries to throw you off course, or even that you have now become the person in your own life to sabotage yourself, but again, I am telling you that you were bought at a price. You are unique and were beautifully created by the one and only intentional Creator, who is your Father, and He wants to live life with you every day here and in eternity. I know you’re tired, but do not give up! Please keep going; the reward is greater than this world. I promise!
I love you,
Shalom
Scriptures
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Hebrews 12:1-2
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
Romans 5:3-4
Dispute Over Jesus’ Testimony
When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”
The Pharisees challenged him, “Here you are, appearing as your own witness; your testimony is not valid.”
Jesus answered, “Even if I testify on my own behalf, my testimony is valid, for I know where I came from and where I am going. But you have no idea where I come from or where I am going. You judge by human standards; I pass judgment on no one. But if I do judge, my decisions are true, because I am not alone. I stand with the Father, who sent me. In your own Law it is written that the testimony of two witnesses is true. I am one who testifies for myself; my other witness is the Father, who sent me.”
John 8:12-18
