Do Not Give Up: Marriage

At one point in my life, I thought I could not survive a marriage I was ready for. I felt that I was so over my marriage that if I could warn single women who could abstain from sex, I would tell them to focus on God and not marry.

I did not see my husband and I making it through the toddler years as we had three back-to-back babies, and he was always deployed, leaving me behind in a new town with no car to go anywhere and family HOURS away.

I was stuck in the house and always alone. So much so that I found my loneliness and “stuck” feeling getting the best of me and taking it out on the toddlers with short-tempered walkaways and MANY calm-down sessions. I grew into an angry woman, and I was drastically over it. I could not understand why my husband could not give me attention. I couldn’t understand the game counsel he put before me and his best friends, whom he would rather talk to than me. I prayed, asking God, “Why does he put everyone before me? I don’t think we are going to make it because I desperately need attention, and I don’t see myself cheating, but I just need attention. Why can he not see it, especially after everything he put me through? Why can’t he want me the way I want him? I gave my all and gave up so much just for nothing. Lord, we haven’t done anything with each other in three years. The only time he can hang out with me is through drinking nights, which leads to sex. Why did I pray for this to be fruitful and complete when we have been far off from that? Lord, where are you in this marriage? I do not see it lasting, and I know you hate divorce, but verbal, spiritual, mental, and emotional abuse and everything he put me through in the past still lingers, and we can’t co-exist with each other.”

I was emotionally ALWAYS praying about the same thing, not knowing if I was supposed to marry my husband in the first place. I questioned God and asked Him NUMEROUS times if I had heard correctly that he was my husband. After all we had been through, I asked God if I was still supposed to marry him. I was not sure and needed clarity.

I even got to the point of wanting to just leave already, with my kids. I refused to explain everything in detail about what he put me through in the past, but I questioned everything, and my life showed for it. My husband changed in many ways and for the better, like the man I first met, but I was put through many years of hardships and gave the fight for what felt like my life. I told him that with just little moments that would randomly occur, I was not fighting anymore. I told him I had used all my strength in those years, had nothing left, and was tired.  

I wanted to feel wanted; I wanted a husband who cared about me and wanted to hang out with me without feeling embarrassed about trying to make something happen and then being rejected. It got to the point where I cried for months with negative thoughts and bitterness, feeling like marriage was not fair and like a dictatorship. Like a prison where you lose yourself and feel guilty or sneaky trying to re-find yourself. My marriage has been through it. I felt like I would never forgive or that we could never be anything to each other than sex partners raising kids and praying (me personally) not to get pregnant again,

BUT….

I will say that, ultimately, God is good. He is a knowing Father who will make all things good for His glory. He is a God who forgives but heals the brokenhearted. He is the same God who can wake someone from the dead and bring them back to life, including your marriage.

Now that you are in this marriage, unless your husband does the unthinkable sins that give you a reason to divorce, you are made to stay.

I write this to give you hope as a woman overall.

You are a daughter who will be drastically transformed by how you carry yourself in marriage. Through the hardships of being a wife and a mother this was not meant to be easy, but God knew through your weakness that He would be evidently shown the most and sought the greatest for all relationships to grow and for you to become who you need to become for the Kingdom of Heaven. This is when your character is being sculpted to be more like God.

I have learned that I am not God but was created in His image, and through Jesus’ walking testimony on earth, I was designed to be like them. Him! Despite what I had faced, I wanted to display unconditional love through it all. Just as Jesus forgave me for the unknown things, I was to forgive my husband for the things he did not know what he was doing. I am to love my husband completely and unconditionally as God our Father loves us. Showing Mercy and Grace through the process. It is a struggle, but there is a breakthrough that comes. There is change and transformation in character from both spouses. There is a relationship that grows beyond measure with God in the hardships and loneliness. But one thing I knew for sure is that there is still hope and that I should not give up, especially with a spouse who tells me that he loves me and is not going anywhere and refuses to give me up. A spouse who thanks God daily and tells me how blessed he is to have his family and me. He tells me occasionally that he is sorry just because he knows our past and the triggering moments I face when I become emotional or when he feels really bad randomly.  For the most part, he believes that nothing is wrong and tells me, “Happy 75th anniversary,” making it known we will be married forever.

This made me wonder.

Could this be pain from wounds that need healing?

Could this be a spot in my life where I need forgiveness?

Is this a place where I see everything I need and realize that what I crave, attention and love, are the things that the Father can fulfill and is waiting for me to see him as the fulfillment that I look for in my husband?

There are so many thoughts, but in the end, I know I will not give up despite how much I talk because my Lord and Savior do not give up on me.

My God, who I gave vows to and who lives in our marriage, does not give up on us, so why should I give up on both parties? 

It is challenging to be like Jesus in trials when you are consumed by the pain you have endured, let alone still must live with the person and be expected to press in and be transformed to love them like Christ. But think about this.

Jesus cried out to God before his last breath and still died for our sins. He finished until the end for people who hated Him and whom He did not personally meet (at the time). If He finished for you, can you not finish what you started with your husband, whom you love? A husband who needs to be led spiritually and needs a praying wife praying on his behalf for him to be saved.

You needed saving, and He sent a Savior. But who sent you to your husband? The all-knowing God who knew that you could be a prayer warrior on behalf of not just your husband but your family. A Father who knew His daughter would grow spiritually amid trials and could be used for the Kingdom. God chose you from the beginning for many reasons you will not see until you wake up and see how He is walking you through life, learning to love the way He truly loves you.

DO NOT GIVE UP!

If Jesus can Finish, so can you!