How To Get Through Life Ups & Downs In Your Marriage. -

There is a time, or way too many to count when a marriage experiences the rollercoaster effect. The rollercoaster can be anything, including infidelity, abuse of any kind, non-communication, and more. With such a rollercoaster comes havoc and strain on a marriage unprepared to face such a battle. Let me not forget that one or both spouses become defensive and do not understand the struggle. They can completely change character, trying to fix the problem instead and becoming overwhelmed through the process, or they change because they become tired and fed up with putting up such a fight in the war zone. Either way, the hardships that suddenly appear can overwhelm each person in the marriage if not handled correctly and could lead to the destruction that neither spouse can recover from.

After experiencing my fair share of hardships, I was blessed to have come across a book, Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away, by Gary Chapman. The book gave insightful suggestions on reality living and viewpoints on handling any situation by just taking the first step with yourself. Because I know that every marriage has its ups and downs, I could not find myself to keep such a resource to myself that can help a sister in Christ facing her season of trials and tribulations. I hope that you read something of value for your current season.

If you’re still reading, it’s clear that you’ve been through a lot. You may feel that the problems you’re facing aren’t being given the weight they deserve by your spouse. But you’re not alone in this. Many others have felt the same way. The first step is acknowledging the problem, which you’ve already taken. By acknowledging the issue, you’ve taken a significant step toward resolution. This act of recognition is empowering and can bring relief, knowing you can now address the problem.

Did you know that in the process of facing a trial with your husband, emotions, and defensiveness can rise so high that it can suddenly bring you to a place mentally to feel like a victim? Feeling like a victim creates emotions that bring sudden changes to your character that are just not you.

For instance, you may have been the most loving person in the world to your husband. Catering to every need and making sure that he lacked nothing, nor could he ever complain about anything because you have met every need before a thought could ever come to his mind. Then, suddenly, he steps out of marriage with his co-worker, and the news leaves you devastated. You become so emotional that, at first, you think you can forgive him, but over time, you suddenly become angry and bitter and question his every move. You then feel like you have the right to feel such a way from betrayal and that your husband should be at your feet for mercy every day of his life, understanding your mental and emotional state from his actions. Yet, your husband lives life as if his one sorry was all he needed to do and move on. Then, suddenly, you start getting in your emotions slowly but surely. The relationship that was kind of easy has been the most challenging thing that you could ever face. And now you can barely recognize yourself anymore because in the process of living life after the devastation in your marriage with your husband, you started thinking differently in every area of your life due to you needing to protect yourself since the one person who was supposed to do that for you, failed and became a “threat” to your livelihood as a wife, woman, and just a person in general.

Now, back to you, making yourself a victim. Whether through my example above or any other situation, remember that viewing yourself as a victim only confirms that you have fully surrendered all the control God has given you. Control is a part of the choices that you make daily. You choose your thoughts and emotions, which is not wrong from time to time, but to stay in a season of grieving when the season has changed two times already is a choice that becomes unhealthy. You can be right clear as day with evidence on what is wrong with your marriage and point fingers at the problem that other people can see from the outside in, but even through this challenging season, making yourself a victim only becomes unhealthy for you overall that can damage and break relationships in every corner of your life.

Signs of Victim Mentality:

Feels entitled
Defensive
Cannot trust people
Feels betrayed
Lacks responsibility
It feels like you have no control
“I feel like the world is out to get me.”
Feels cheated
Dwells on negativity
Trauma alters thoughts and opinions (can give bad advice from trauma)
Complains

*Please remind yourself that emotions are natural. Alli Worthington, In Remaining You while Raising Them: The Secret Art of Confident Motherhood, said it best:

“Most of us are familiar with anger and injustice. Seeing people being abused and mistreated triggers what we call righteous anger. Anger is also the emotion that protects us when we feel threatened. It triggers our fight-or-flight response. When we are vulnerable and the most at risk, our anger is there to protect us. That’s why our anger is a quick defense when we are tired, hungry, in pain, injured, afraid, and so on. Though anger is natural, we also live in an imperfect world. Our anger can convince us we are justified even when we aren’t. That’s why God tells us, ‘In your anger do no sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” He recognizes that we will be angry. But he reminds us not to sin in our anger.” (Worthington)

Now that we have discussed the nature of victim mentality, let’s proceed to the next step. It’s time to deny myths circulated from movies, stories, people’s experiences, and your thoughts.

Myths

1. My environment determines my state of mind.

2. People cannot change.

3. In a troubled marriage, I have only two options-resigning myself to a life of misery or getting out of the marriage.

4. Some situations are hopeless, and my situation is one of these.

Sometimes, if not some, then most of the time, when you and your husband face conflict, thoughts tend to spiral in your head. Thoughts that, for the most part, are not fruitful and edifying in growing, maturing, or saving your marriage. From arguing about how he does not communicate as much as you want him to, all for him to deny your claim, to him showing signs of being a workaholic, leading you to converse with him about how you need him around and to change things up because you feel alone, these myths can feel like your last resort when there is no sign of change.

Again, you will renew your mind and change the trajectory of these lies that consume your thoughts. You will choose your process of emotions and your thoughts and actions to follow using what Chapman explains as “Reality Living.” Reality Living is how you think of things, and Chapman has six realities that he shared worth applying to your life.

The Realities

1. I am responsible for my own attitude.

You are responsible for your state of mind. “Attitude has to do with the way we choose to think about things. It has to do with focus.” (pg.26)

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
Philippians 4 :4-9

2. My attitude affects my actions.

“You can control your attitude toward your environment. And your attitude will greatly influence your behavior.” (pg.28)

3. I cannot change others, but I can influence others.

“Because we are individuals and because we have free will, no one can force us to change our thoughts or behaviors. On the other hand, because we are relational creatures, others do influence us…You must acknowledge that you cannot change your spouse. You cannot make him stop or start certain behaviors. Nor can you control the words that come from your spouse’s mouth or the way he thinks or feels. You can make requests of your spouse, but you cannot know that he will respond positively.. But this reality also means that through positive actions and words, you can influence your spouse toward positive change.” (pg.29-30)

4. My emotions do not control my actions.

“Emotions will accompany your thoughts… Those who say it is hypocritical to take positive action when they have negative feelings are operating on the assumption that the true self is determined by emotions. You can learn to acknowledge your negative emotions but not to follow them. What is best? What is right? What is good? What is loving? You can allow your actions to be controlled by these noble thoughts. Taking such positive actions holds the potential to bring healing to a relationship and restoring positive feelings in your marriage… Your emotions always influence you, but you do not need to let them control you.” (pg.31-32)

5. Admitting my imperfections does not mean that I am a failure.

“Most miserable marriages include a stone wall between husband and wife, built over many years. Each stone represents an event in the past where one of them has failed the other.. Many times, one spouse is more at fault than the other, but the fact is that neither has been perfect.. The list goes on and on. Each spouse recounts what the other has done to make the marriage miserable. This wall stands as a monument to self-centered living, and it’s a barrier to marital intimacy. Demolishing this emotional wall is essential for rebuilding a desperate marriage. Destroying the wall requires both individuals to admit that they are imperfect and have failed each other.” (pg.33-34)

6. Love is the most powerful weapon for good in the world.

“In reality, love is an attitude, demonstrated with appropriate behavior. It affects the emotions, but it is not in itself an emotion. Love is the attitude that says, ‘I choose to look out for your interest. How may I help you?’ Then, love is expressed in behavior. The fact that love Is an attitude rather than an emotion means that you can love your spouse even when you do not have warm emotional feelings for him,” (pg.36)

Optional Reading:

Different Struggles That Marriages Face & Advice by Chapman

The Unfaithful Spouse

Nothing is more devastating, painful, and heartbreaking than going through infidelity. Such an act destroys security and brings betrayal in every area of your life. You question everything, fear it is happening again, and trust is nowhere to be found. It is gut-wrenching. Despite all the signs that the relationship could never continue after such an act, you may still want to try to make things work with your husband. But there will be a long process that includes reality living steps you must face and overcome to have a healthy relationship with your husband again.

1. Forgiveness.

- Forgiveness is essential if you want to continue a marriage with your husband, but once you forgive, you can no longer hold the act of his choice against him again.

- “Forgiveness does not rebuild trust nor restore a close relationship.” (Chapman)

2. When you verbally express your pain with your spouse, try using “I” statements rather than “you” statements.

- DO: “I am hurt that… I am not okay… I cannot believe it. I feel unclean and lost and betrayed.”

- DON’T: “You hurt me….you cheated and left me… you are selfish… you don’t love me.”

3. Do not return wrong for wrong. It only escalates the problem rather than finding peace and healing.

4. Seek counseling

- “repent and forgive’ session with a counselor does not necessarily lead to the reconciliation of a marriage.” (Chapman)

5. You must be honest about what you are going through. You must be open and remember that time alone does not heal the pain. Facing it, praying, and forgiveness helps you overcome it.

If you are facing this right now, I apologize for the pain you have dealt with. I know from my own experience before marriage what it feels like when the man you’re about to call your husband steps out and betrays you. You question everything between you and him and every decision you have and currently make regarding staying in the relationship. Just remember grace. Above all else, when you have found it in your heart to forgive like Jesus and those triggers try to flush through your mental state, grace.

The Uncommunicative Spouse

Let’s take a moment and think, “Why does my husband not talk to me?”

Chapman states, “Often it is unmet needs in the marital relationship that have sparked resentment in the Spirit of the silent spouse. His silence is a way of expressing this resentment.” After Chapman goes on about finding out if your husband’s emotional needs are to be met, he then asks questions for you to ponder regarding whether you, as a wife, created negative communication patterns with your husband.

Negative Questions Causing Silence Husband

“Do I often come across as complaining?
When my spouse talks, do I cut him off?
Do I force the issue of communication with my spouse?
Do I broadcast our private conversations with others?
Do I openly share my own needs, desires, and demands?
When my spouse shares an opinion that differs from mine, am I quick to set him straight?”

My Experience: I was hurt and devastated because I had a husband who was always deployed, leaving me home alone in a new town with no car, raising three under three babies. No community, friends, or family. Just me by myself. I needed company and needed him because he was supposed to be my friend, too, but he just couldn’t be that person with me. Then, I convinced myself that it was best that we did not talk because when we did, it would always lead to arguing within minutes. But after being alone for almost a year by myself and a year begging for attention from him, I finally said, “You can go and hang out with your friends and talk on the phone with them all night, but you refuse to talk to me. You say you’re tired from work but have the energy for them. I want to hang out with you, but now I know that it’s not that you are tired and incapable because of your job but that you just don’t want to talk to me.”

He asked, “How can I get a word in when you never give me a chance to talk? You talk over me, cut me off, or just don’t stop talking.”

Honestly, I was embarrassed. I get so used to being alone with the kids that when I finally see my husband, I overflow with words and emotions that I never stop talking. After hearing him, I did get defensive because I knew that was not true for every situation and season between our distances. Still, the Holy Spirit spoke to me before we talked and just made me feel tired of talking too much, so I just knew from the encounter to his words that he was right. I took accountability for a trait I am guilty of always doing. I acknowledged his words and told him I would be better because I never want him to feel like he cannot be heard in his own house, let alone by his wife.

One of the hardest things for people to do is listen. I am guilty of being one of those people. My husband asks me daily, “Are you listening to me, or do you just hear me?” I never knew the difference until I found myself rambling on in conversations without knowing the conversation because I was quick to interject. But after going through this experience, I have learned to be still and quiet from time to time, genuinely listening to my husband when he speaks and letting him talk. I reminded myself, “Do not cut him off because it is rude.” No matter how passionate I am about the conversation, I need to create an atmosphere for discussion and ensure I understand the conversation by restating some information he shared.

The Controlling Spouse

A controlling or dominating personality is when a person, your husband, for example, has an exceeding level of high self-confidence and believes he can accomplish anything. You may notice that your husband steers more toward the goal-oriented side of life rather than tap into emotions and sustain good relationships. He is so goal-oriented that when a project is given, he already has a solution to handle the project without help and believes his way is the only way because he is right. He can be intimidating. After all, he will argue you down on any thought you speak of and convince you that you are wrong because his way is the only right way. You may tell yourself, “He doesn’t need a wife; I have no say nor freedom; I’m not involved in anything or a decision. Why am I here?”

People who suffer from controlling or dominating personalities have a high need for freedom that can become abusive behavior when their need for freedom is the only one that is considered and taken care of. One way to confront the situation with a controlling husband is by speaking highly about their performance around the house, at work, as a parent, or simply about them in your marriage or by himself. One thing that Chapman makes known repeatedly is that any wife who approaches a controlling husband with an argument will only intensify the damage that is already present. Remember that a controlling person gains more through achievement, and no matter how long you fight and how clear you are on evident problematic issues, you cannot influence the controlling husband who has already determined from the beginning that they won and won’t change.

Chapman’s favorite approach would be the “influencing by agreement” method. This approach may seem unsettling for you who have already been through enough to stick out and try, but let’s just continue reading what this approach is about, and if you can in any moment, apply it just once for the sake of trying to mend your relationship and make it better than do so! Influencing by agreement is when you argue with your husband, and you agree with your husband’s argument. Yes, I know. It took a bit for me even to want to finish reading, but I did! As a wife, you will not be controlled by your husband’s argument, but if you can agree on how he is correct from his perspective, it might allow the conversation to flow and enable fundamental topics to be discussed. Our reality is objective in our heads, but to your husband, his reality and thought process are objective, too. Agreeing through influencing keeps you in control of your situation and stance in the moment of what you are trying to accomplish—your freedom. Giving your husband real value without arguing about every idea, thought, and perspective can build his self-esteem, affirming that he has something good in the idea or perspective and that it is an excellent purpose to see his insight. This will let him feel open and safe. Still, then you will have a chance to speak on your thoughts and perspective so that your husband can see that you also have valuable needs for freedom with decision making and that the effort you put into seeing his point and genuinely understanding, he will see that the respect you gave is a two-way street and needs to be returned. He will know that you have your mind that can make decisions, too. Making it known in a loving and different approach that you refuse to be controlled gives you a greater chance of a change happening.

If this does not work, please seek marriage counseling or independent counseling if your husband disagrees with marriage counseling so that you can obtain what you need.

The Spiritual, Emotional, Physical, Verbal, & Mental Abusive Spouse

No one, especially your spouse, should ever tolerate any type of abuse.

One form of abuse that is quickly swept under the rug and walked on is verbal abuse. Verbal abuse is disrespectful and destroys the key ingredients that a healthy marriage needs, which include trust, admiration, respect, and intimacy. Such verbal abuse can destroy a person’s identity and lead a person to harm themself. If you face such abuse, please seek help. Having someone from the outside know your business is not a pillow you want to lay on right now, but you need it. I tell people, “though you said hurtful things to someone and apologize, it does not take away the words that now created an open wound in the mind and heart of the victim who received them.”

King Solomon of Israel wrote.

“Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end”
Proverbs 29:11
The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.
Proverbs 18:21

King Solomon knew the weight and power of words. He knew that the weight of words could steal, kill, and destroy relationships and, sadly, a Spirit. If you are in a relationship where your husband has verbally abused you and blamed you for everything, making it seem like he is perfect, do not feel trapped by the lies of his words. I suggest you find your self-worth and speak life into yourself as soon as possible. You must be able to pick up the pieces that he has shattered, and with the help of the Holy Spirit and friends or a counselor, you must repair yourself before you approach your husband with the changes you need in your marriage.

When allowing God to renew your mind and build your soul to align with the Spirit of Truth, you must believe that your husband is a lost sheep God loves despite every action he has made against you. Because your husband takes out his pains from past trauma or failure against you, he finds it a safe landing zone to place his hurts and stresses on you, but with your actions to love the literal hell at him and encourage your husband to do the hard work to make the marriage work by seeking counseling.

You see how you had to fix yourself first and gain the battle armor God has equipped you with to fight the battle that seems to keep igniting your marriage. It just happens that way, but it’s true. You cannot serve anyone and save any form of the marriage, allowing yourself to be a target that never gets back up and takes care of yourself. You will just stay there on the ground with more arrows coming your way, but if you get up and replenish your thirst from the Holy Spirit, you are ready for combat. But keep hydrating yourself with the Word of God, prayer, worship, and alone time so that you will have the resources and strength to continue.

Another form of abuse is Domestic violence and intimate partner violence, which have affected millions of people each year. Such violence includes physical, sexual, (even threats of physical and sexual) abuse, and emotional abuse. Sadly, this does not just apply to men and women, but children too. “The results are often deadly- it’s estimated that around 4,000 women die annually due to domestic violence. If verbal abuse can kill the spirit, physical abuse can eventually kill the person.” (Chapman).

Have you noticed the cycle of (physical) abuse yet?

1. Tension building phase

- He starts getting frustrated.

- Becomes verbally expressive

- When the wife tries to calm the husband, he gets more upset. Then, the wife attempts to remove herself from the situation, which only upsets the husband and intensifies for one to several months.

2. The explosion phase

- Physical abuse occurs and is unleashed on the wife.

- When the husband gets the abuse out of his system, this phase is over.

3. The remorse phase

- The honeymoon phase is all over again.

- The husband is apologetic and calmer. He treats his wife with so much love that it is as if nothing has happened.

- Because he convinces his wife that he is sorry and will never do it again, he then believes in himself that he will not do it until he does.

In no way, shape, or form should this abuse ever continue in your marriage. I don’t care if it was only that once, sister; if your husband has ever struck you, you must seek counsel. Stop that violence before it becomes an ongoing cycle.

Please remember that tough love does not always work to change the abuser. Please do what suits you and your family, whether temporary or permanent, especially if children are involved.

Call 1-800-799 SAFE (7233)

The Workaholic Spouse

How do you live with a workaholic?

Did you know that many workaholics have a seed planted in them from early childhood experiences that mentally internalize inferiority in them, leading them to become workaholics when they are adults? From inferiority, this trait causes new characteristics in a person to always want to be a perfectionist trying to prove to themselves, or the younger version of themselves, that they are not inferior but great. They challenge any notion at any cost to be on top and will not see the loved ones they leave behind at home hurting while they choose to climb the ladder. Ironically, workaholics feel unloved and feel that if they succeed to a certain degree in anything, they can gain conditional love from who they need it. Usually, you see it in adults proving themselves to their parents, but you do not know how that weighs in the spouses and children who love them unconditionally.

Another reason husbands choose to work a lot is that they are hiding from their spouses. Is there conflict at home? Some men avoid going home to a wife who makes them feel incompetent as a man in general. They would rather stay in the workplace than deal with confrontation and be degraded in a place that is supposed to be their haven.

So, what do you do about your workaholic husband? Well, let’s take the steps of reality living and apply them here. First, you need to take responsibility for anything that could be at fault and refrain from negative thoughts that can change your attitude when you approach your husband to talk to him. If you can speak to him and resolve the issue, that would be awesome! But suppose you try to talk to your husband, and he shuts down immediately, not wanting to converse with you about the situation. In that case, you can suggest marriage counseling or independent counseling. If your husband gets to the point where he does not want to try to listen to what you have to say and make a change, then I suggest you consult your counselor, pastor, and even God and ask the Holy Spirit what to do next. Working is not a reason listed in the bible to leave your husband, but I know that God can give you firm direction in the steps you need to take to make your marriage better, and usually, it starts with you. I am not saying you did anything wrong, but you remain in Godly character and follow the will of the Father until this passes.

(As mentioned above, counseling is highly recommended in any area of your marriage that cannot be fixed between you and your husband. Asking for help shows how much you want your marriage to work)

{From my experience, I applied the “you do you” to myself (respectfully, may I add). I continued to be a good wife, raised our kids, made efforts, and prayed, but I started to not miss out on life around me, waiting for my husband. I learned that I could take trips to the zoo with the kids alone, travel from town to town, and go out to eat with them because life still goes on for everyone else, whether he wants to be involved. I stopped begging and threatening to leave and just lived. I did see a drastic change from that. Just a suggestion. Remember, respectfully do you, that pleases God.}

Though the six realities that Chapman has beautifully laid out in words for us to ingest and apply to our lifestyle, we must not forget that there is more work to be done for you and your husband. The reality living is mostly about you and your steps to making a healthy change for your life and relationships beyond your husband. Reality living is like character building. We must eliminate bad behavior and replace it with healthy changes, but what about you and your husband? After you have taken the steps to be a better person, how do you receive the needs you want met by your husband? That’s where the special date night comes in.

I highly recommend your date to be somewhere your husband likes. This means you want to get somewhat on your husband’s level of comfort and plan a date that is intimate and not distracting. There will be talking during this date, so you do not want to go anywhere that will grab your husband’s attention so quickly. On this date, you will discuss life and dig deep into what Chapman calls “The 5 Love Languages.”

The 5 Love Languages

Quality Time

Giving your spouse undivided attention.

Receiving Gifts

Presenting a gift to your spouse that says, “I was thinking about you,”

Acts of Service

Doing something for your spouse that is meaningful to him or her.

Word of Affirmation

Verbally affirming your spouse for the good things he or s

he does.

Physical Touch

Kissing, embracing, patting on the back, holding hands, having sexual intercourse.

Chapman believes the five love languages are natural languages an individual gives and yearns to receive. For instance, If you are a person who desires to receive love through acts of service, then there is a high chance that the love language you yearn for is the love language you project to your husband, but it may not be the love language that your husband wants to receive. Your husband’s loved language may be receiving the gift, and if you miss the mark on knowing how he wants to be loved, it can be frustrating to leave his need unmet and unsatisfied.

Not too often do spouses share the same love language, but this is a time when you can find out each other’s primary love language so that all needs are met and both you and your husband are satisfied. Is there a chance you may have more than one love language? Yes! And that is okay, and I believe it is a plus for your husband because he can’t miss the mark. Are there more love languages beyond what is listed? I believe so. Take this time to get to know each other again and renew your relationship. Take the time to show interest in your husband and get to know him! Choosing to love each other the way one yearns to be loved is selfless and shows your efforts to maintain your commitment to one another and your heart to be sincere.

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13

Reality living is when you can take responsibility for your actions, feelings, and thoughts. It is one of the realities to face in life that brings maturity to your character. Though it may be pretty to read on paper that you can take such responsibility for any future problem you may face, it is also a challenge to live such a life of maturity. Challenging, yet possible with the Holy Spirit! Remember to find out your spouse’s love language and walk daily in the Spirit; it will help you apply the realities to any situation. Please do not give up in your season that seems impossible to live through. Do not change your character that God your Father has beautifully created and made in and through you. You must finish your race!

However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.
Acts 20:24
For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time for my departure is near. ⁷I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. ⁸Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.
2 Timothy 4:6-8

Cited Information Regarding Article:

Chapman, G. D. (2018). Loving your spouse when you feel like walking away: Real help for desperate hearts in difficult marriages. Northfield Publishing.

Worthington, A. (2023). In Remaining you while raising them: The secret art of confident motherhood (pp. 84–84). essay, Zondervan.