Q&A: When Considering To Become a Stay-At-Home Mother (SAHM)
1. What inspired you to become a SAHM?
- Gods plan
- Mother-inspired: My mother was a SAHM and homeschooled my sisters, cousins, and other children who needed homeschooling or tutoring. Seeing her take on all the roles she had a heart for inspired me at a young age to want to do the same thing. I became a mini-me, mimicking everything I saw her do with my babies (stuffed animals).
- I wanted them to be rooted in truth. Gods Word
- I must control what my children will be exposed to and by whom.
- We are securing and protecting our children’s privacy and body.
2. How did your spouse feel about you becoming a SAHM?
After I gave birth to my first baby, I waited six weeks to try and return to work, but my husband insisted that I stay home to raise our baby. We never discussed it being a forever setup for our family, but we also never planned what would happen after the baby was here during family planning. It just happened. When I would continually bring up my working chosen days as a substitute teacher on his off days to make extra income, he would tell me that it was not worth our time together as a family on his off days and that he wanted me home. I had back-to-back-to-back babies, so it did not allow me to return to work. We never thought about daycare at any point, but now that I think about it, daycare would be a loose situation with three babies and finances.
My husband was entirely on board and had already planned for me to be a SAHM.
3. Did your and your spouse’s decision financially affect your marriage or plans?
Fortunately, as I would like to explain it, God has provided everything that we needed at the time that we needed it. God even provided things months before we realized that we needed them. For example, every time I got pregnant, it just so happened that a month or two prior, my husband would get a new job in his degree field and elevate the ladder each pregnancy. God prepared us financially for each child before we knew we were expecting.
So far, my husband and I have been moving on with God’s plans for us, so nothing has been affected. We believe that if God wants a specific life or thing to happen for us, He will make it happen no matter what because it is His will for our lives that He knows we are willing and ready to live out.
4. What are some changes you faced in becoming a SAHM?
Self-care: After a while of being a mother, around baby number three, I realized that I was lacking self-care for myself, which made me unrecognizable and depressed. After learning that I had neglected myself in caring for everyone else, I suddenly had to make changes immediately. I communicated with my husband about what I was facing, which he tried to make me aware of for quite some time, and I finally told him that I was going to start taking better care of myself so that I could enjoy being a SAHM and be the mother and wife that I know I can be. I told him that in this change, I need help and accountability to ensure that I take care of every area of my life in the ways I choose. I am still managing better than I expected in my self-care lifestyle.
Another thing that I faced was a reality check on my character. I thought I was a serving, patient, gentle parent until my babies became toddlers and woke me to reality. I noticed that as the day went on with picking a child’s emotion and energy level, I saw that I was not as patient, calm, and selfless as I thought. I continue learning to be more serving and selfless without losing my patience or being emotionally overwhelmed.
5. What are the challenges you faced?
Self-care: Finding the motivation after long days to pamper myself is challenging, but I make it work according to my needs. If I knew that I needed to do my hair and nails that night, I would plan to take a nap with the kids to have the energy to do so.
Relationship with my husband: My relationship with my husband faced challenges when I could not separate my daily life as a SAHM from my nighttime life when my husband would get home. I could not turn off the parenting side of me because it is a daily 24/7 job for me that keeps going, in my opinion, and I started to let my role as a mother take over the role as a wife as I could not seem to whine down and be with my husband. Like everything had to be about kids, I forgot how to talk to my husband and hang out.
Eventually, I started getting frustrated with the changes in my actions and hearing my husband tell me, “Just relax and spend time with me. You have been talking about the children all day.” When he would tell me that, I would explain how they were like my actual living experience, and there was always something going on, but after I started seeing how it was affecting both of us, I just couldn’t let this continue.
6. Can you handle judgment & criticism as a SAHM?
- Are you going back to work?
- Do you have goals or dreams?
- Do you do nothing all day?
- It must be nice to have help.
- So, will you stay home and make babies like a machine? Is that all you’re good for?
These questions were honestly difficult to deal with at a time when I first became a SAHM with my first two back-to-back babies, but when I was pregnant with my third, I finally started not to care. I would respectfully address such questions with accurate facts, such as, (So you want me to send my kids to someone ‘teacher’ who I do not know to teach them things that I am not fully aware of… Or, I choose to be a mother involved in raising my kids rather than sending them to school where I would not see them all day and, even by the time they get home, would not be able to still hang out with them because of homework and the chores and cooking and then get only 30 minutes to eat dinner together as a family for them to go to sleep. So, I end up only having 30 minutes with my kids a day, and that’s not included if they are in extracurricular activities.)
After knowing the reasons why I became a SAHM, I found it much more effective in gaining confidence and peace than being belittled with embarrassment and guilt when questioned.
7. Has family planning changed, or has it been affected in the process of being a SAHM?
Yes and no!
After long days with the children that led me to burnout, I immediately yelled out to my husband, walking in the door,
“We are so done having kids. I can only do 3. You better not even think about anything else, not even a pet. I am done!”
Then there would be days when everything goes smoothly, and my hormones try to convince me that I want a big family and that I am willing to have two more babies if it is God’s plan.
I have a problem with living life through emotions when it comes to family planning as a SAHM. However, it has made me aware of what is on my plate and how to handle things more cautiously when planning for more children and timing.
8. Was being pregnant and recovering after labor challenging as an SAHM?
It was challenging when I was pregnant with my third baby only because my body had developed sciatica, which made tasks difficult while raising two under two. Not only was my body not able to function properly, but my husband was also away training, and I had no family around to help me. Thankfully, I had my baby the night of my husband’s graduation, so after he was done with his training, he was allowed to be home for two weeks with me to help around the house while I healed.
This experience was my life with back-to-back-to-back babies. If you have family and friends to help you during your recovery, it will make life easier than doing things alone in your pregnancy and recovery stage.
*But I will say that because I was alone, I managed to motivate myself to have no choice but to push through the physical pain and trials that I faced during the pregnancy because of my two babies needing me. Their needs and literal encouragement motivated me and allowed me to continue my healing process. My mindset was, “I have no choice but to keep going. Pick up your mat and walk.”
9. What are your plans?
I am currently living out my plans as we speak!
I have been asked if I would ever return to work or if I would eventually send the kids to school when they are ready and stay home. My answer is that being a SAHM is my job, and God willing, I will homeschool them until they graduate. In the process, I plan to do missions with my children and make an income from home to help my husband.
I am still determining the future, but I do know where I am currently. I have seen it happening for a while.
10. How do you manage self-care?
If you have a spouse, make it a habit of communicating your needs to have time for self-care. Whatever self-care looks like to you, remind him that you need it to be mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally healthy. After all, you will be raising your kids and in your home with them all day, and it is for the whole family’s well-being if you are taken care of.
My self-care involves prioritizing time out of my day to do something for me, including reading, writing, working out, attending worship services, talking to friends and family on the phone, and working on my website. (I am LEARNING to have self-discipline with Amazon, as my husband told me it is not a needed hobby to always shop on the App!!!)
I believe in inclusion in many things I do with the children, like working out to get things done for myself. I don’t mind sharing my workout time with them because it also benefits them. I can work in the backyard while they are playing (which some play, but they choose to do alone), or I can take them on a nature walk to the park, which counts as a workout as well because of the distance and strength of pushing them 3 in a huge wagon. I utilize what I have and time for things I need to do for myself. They also like to work out with me, which is a fun plus!
By doing some self-care tasks with them, I can have lunchtime and nighttime to do the self-care tasks I love doing but can’t share with them.
This is if you need it every day and want to do things you like. Again, communicate with your husband your needs for alone time for your desired self-care.
11. Do you fear socialization issues with your children not attending school or daycare?
I used to fear that I would hinder my children’s socialization and education. Still, after reading and researching, I have gained confidence that involving my children in everyday real-life experiences will help them achieve better social skills than limiting them to only their peers. My children go everywhere I go, clearly, and speak to almost everyone I talk to of various cultural backgrounds and ages: postal carriers, police officers, store clerks, elders of various ages at church, and more. My children also socialize with friends from playgroups, cousins of the same age, and other resources, including the park and toddler time at the church and library.
12. What does your day look like?
First, every day looks the same as our schedule, but it has different challenges, too. You can have the prettiest schedule and fun activities and outings, but you cannot schedule in emotions, tantrums, and life. I will include a layout of my schedule below.
13. Can you handle the responsibilities of being a SAHM?
Since I have always been the person to cook, clean, run errands, etc., with life responsibilities before marriage, what is problematic about continuing the duties after marriage and children? As you already know how to manage your responsibilities, subtract your current work job, and you’re a SAHM!
14. Advice!
- Pray & devote yourself to God’s Word.
- Get your alone time whenever you can. Schedule this, make it a part of your lifestyle, and it will HELP you. If you can wake up early before the kids and spend time with Him, you will see a change at the start of your day, waking up peacefully rather than immediately busy.
- Be honest
- Mental overload, Isolation, Anger, and Depression appear in SAHM. When you face these emotions, please be honest and seek help and guidance. You need to be able to speak to someone out loud and be honest with your mental health to be a better and functional dependent parent at home.
- Self-care
- Taking time for yourself and seeing yourself outside of just a mother and wife will allow you to see how vital it is to take care of yourself. You are still a person with another Identity known to be a child, a “daughter” of God who needs to be taken care of. Please protect your identity altogether!
- Be honest and communicate your needs as a SAHM with your husbands so that you can function properly as a mama.
- Community
- Seek a community that will encourage you and acknowledge where you are in your journey as a SAHM. They are walking in shoes like yours and will be there to remind you that you are not alone. They will also bring support and friendships to you and the children, who can interact with each other.
- Relax
- SAHM, THIS IS YOUR JOURNEY.
- Life is what you make it. Please do not compare yourself to others; your kids only know what you present to them.
- Do not be hard on yourself.
- Take it minute by minute and breathe.
- It Is not about everyone else. It is about your calling. What does God want you to do? Do not let other people’s opinions and judgment block your mission for your child’s and family’s life and well-being.
- Remember to be in one accord with your spouse on everything. You need your best friend to help you make whatever decision you find best for your family. With that agreement between you both, don’t neglect your partnership and friendship in this transition and journey as a SAHM. You both need to remain a team and help each other and most importantly, you need more intimacy as you help carry the weight of the family from a different perspective than before.
- Children benefit more from interacting with SAHM and spending quality time with them.
- Self-care is NEEDED as studies reported that SAHMs do have more depression, sadness, and anger. Mothers with low-income homes struggle more.
(This was researched and studied by Mrs. Elizabeth Mendez,
Lydia Saad, and Kyley McGeeney in a Wellbeing Gallup article.)
Stay-at-Home Moms Report More Depression, Sadness, Anger (gallup.com)
Q&A: To ask yourself when considering becoming a SAHM
1. What inspires you to become a SAHM?
2. How did your spouse feel about you becoming a SAHM?
3. Did your and your spouse’s decision financially affect your marriage or plans?
4. What are some changes you might face in becoming a SAHM?
5. What are the challenges you feel like you might face?
6. Can you handle judgment & criticism as a SAHM?
- Are you going back to work?
- Do you have goals or dreams?
- Do you do nothing all day?
- It must be nice to have help.
- So, will you stay home and make babies like a machine? Is that all you’re good for?
7. Will your family planning change if you become a SAHM?
8. Will being pregnant and recovering after labor be challenging for you as a SAHM?
9. What will your day look like?
10. What are your plans?
11. How would you manage self-care?
12. Do you fear socialization issues with your children not attending school or daycare?
13. Can you handle the responsibilities of being a SAHM?
*Below is additional information on “50 Important Considerations Before You Decide to Be One” by Sarah R. Moore from Dandelion Seeds Logo Positive Parenting.
Cited Information Regarding Article:
Elizabeth Mendes, L. S. and K. M. (2024, March 22). Stay-at-home moms report more depression, sadness, anger. Gallup.com. https://news.gallup.com/poll/154685/stay-home-moms-report-depression-sadness-anger.aspx.
Moore, S. R. (2024, September 11). Sahm: 50 important considerations before you decide to be one. Dandelion Seeds. https://dandelion-seeds.com/positive-parenting/sahm/
